grief

Love and Loss

Featuredby motheringmillie4 Comments on Love and Loss
Love and Loss

My Millie,

This post has been so difficult for me to write because my current reality is incomprehensible. When you are able to read this, time will have lessened my waves of sorrow however, right now, it’s all very raw and emotional. I’m going to try my best to write through my grief so you can see your mother’s honest vulnerability.

On September 22nd 2019, your aunt, my only sister, completed her battle with bi-polar depression. How can I begin to explain the person she was? Words cannot describe her contagious laugh. The mere stories I will tell over the years will never give justice to her vibrant life. No longer is the person who would sing to you in your car seat to make you smile. How can I possibly make you feel just how much she loved you?

Your aunt was the sun, our Shani-sunshine.

Bright– Shani was so incredibly smart and she was such a good student. I teach with women who taught your aunt in grade school and they all loved her personality and work ethic. They refer to her as one of their favorite, most memorable students of their careers. Throughout her schooling, she had completed her masters degree in psychology and was working towards a Psy-D, Shani was always the “teachers pet” and proudly, the top of her class. I always thought, if Shani was in school, her mind was in the right place. I knew nothing about the mania that accompanies bi-polar disorder and what she felt necessary for the success in her prestigious, doctoral program. Her energy source was the same disorder that would lie to her and put her down.

Nurturing – Our bodies need the sun’s vitamins and you could call Shani, my vitamin D. If I was having a bad day, or I was walking alone in a parking lot, if I needed someone to talk to, Shani was only ever a phone call away. She loved to FaceTime with you and we would, daily. She was the first person to babysit you while I went to my six-week OB appointment and she took the sweetest pictures of you inside of your stocking. During the last phone conversation we had together, she commented on how sweet your little voice sounded and how much she missed you. We were making plans for her to come visit for your second birthday and how she thought I was ridiculous for wanting to rent a kangaroo.

Shani and I would talk about our futures with one another; pool side, on the porch, sitting on her bed in the early hours of the morning. She always said she would carry children for me if I wouldn’t have been able to. She was so excited when I told her I was pregnant for you. She said that she would be the “cool aunt” that you could go and live with during your rambunctious, teenage years. She wanted you to be able to talk to her about your crushes and all the awkward things you wouldn’t want your mom knowing about. She threatened me by saying that she’d tell you all about my years in high school. She had plans to help pay for your college. She had plans to care for you and her future family.

Your aunt knew a song for every occasion and she had an incredible voice. When she auditioned for women’s chorus in high school, she sang, “Lean on Me”, which is incredibly fitting for the friend that she was. If we couldn’t spend Thanksgiving Day together, she’d call me up and we’d sing the turkey song over the phone. On the day you were born, she kept singing, “Edelweiss”. Small and white, clean and bright. You look happy to meet me. She listened to all genres of music; gospel, show tunes, rap, country, etc. She even dabbled in recording. Her range was great and she had an ear for harmony. I had amazing opportunities to hear Shani sing; beautifully at a wedding reception, in the church at Bridgewater, and my favorite memory of her voice – singing to you cradled in her arms.

Shani cared for everyone. It didn’t matter race, sexual orientation, social status, etc. When we were kids, she would find dead mice in our garage and make beds for them out of old shoeboxes and try to keep them as pets; completely disregarding Gams wishes to throw the dead rodent away. In high-school, she started an equality club for the LGBTQ community (sorry if I didn’t use the correct acronym, Shani – she would be quick to correct me if it’s wrong). She got a speeding ticket in college while taking her sick roommate to the hospital. Shani had no money to give but she gave freely to friends and causes, despite what I had to say about it. She had clients who clung to her every word and had her cellphone number incase of emergencies.

Shani would make sure everyone was well fed. She loved tomato sandwiches in the summertime. Shani was always the one to cut up the fresh pineapple. Your aunt worked at Johnny Rockets, a diner where she would dance and sing in between serving milkshakes and she had so many regulars because of her bubbly personality. She had so much fun baking my bachelorette party cakes; one black and one white, you’ll understand that when you’re older. Shani was always first to try my vegan recipes and was supportive of our family’s lifestyle. Last year, she urged everyone in the family to stop using plastic straws for the sake of the sea turtles.

She took you to the beach when you were six months old and bought you toys to play with in the sand. She always bought you things that would help grow your brain. The Veggietales DVDs and Noahs Arc toy were gifts from her for your dedication because she wanted you to grow in Christ. She wrote you a book and bought you so many books; she didn’t just read them to you, but she encouraged you to read them aloud. Shani cared about the students that I taught, too. My second year of teaching, Shani bought my entire classroom clipboards for my birthday. She helped run a fundraiser for my class to get ukuleles. On her spring break, instead of sleeping-in, Shani ran the music for my choir concert.

I desperately wish that she could have turned off the voices inside her head that told her she wasn’t good enough. To everyone else, she was vitamin D.

Dazzling – Her beauty was effortless. We are so fortunate to live during a time where pictures and videos can be retrieved in seconds because some of her radiance was captured in those quick moments and short clips. She exuded confidence. (Now, I question how much of that was a facade due to her disorder.) Men wanted her and women wanted to be her. She would talk about getting her ears pinned back, having an eyelid procedure, and needing a boob-lift; I vetoed the surgical nonsense every time she brought up because your aunt needed none of that. She had the most shiny hair, the quirkiest placed dimple under her eye, an hourglass figure, a pixie nose, and most petite hands and feet. The Friday before Shani took her life, I told her that I wished she could see herself the way that I saw her, but now I know that the darkness of the disorder would prevent her from feeling that way.

Consistent with the rising sun is unforgiving darkness and unfortunately, Aunt Shani experienced that, too.

Your aunt struggled to find men who were worth a damn. There were plenty of men interested in her and she would date them when she felt like it but she was notorious for falling for the guys who needed, “fixing”; the divorcee, military men with ptsd, her exes. I told her many times, you can’t force someone to change and that we only have control of ourselves – but the disorder kept her from having control of her feelings. Shani told me that she would never, “settle” in a relationship and that she believed in soul mates; I argued with her about this. I wanted her to find stability in a relationship. Now, I wish I could have done more to help her obtain stability within herself.

We shouldn’t stare directly at the sun. I would wait for the “right time” to tell my sister things, not knowing how she would react. If you would ask Shani a personal question about her love life, significant choices, or her mental state, she would quickly change the subject, get irritated and defensive, and remind you that she was, “fine”. My sunscreen was you. No matter how frustrated she’d be with me for asking too many questions or how upset she’d get when I wouldn’t agree with her on a political stance, I could change the subject to you and her entire attitude would change. She always agreed with my parenting choices and would never tire of the stories I’d tell her about you.

I don’t remember life before my sister was born because as far back as I can remember, shes been there. Shani has always been there just as the sun has been burning for 4 billion years. I never thought I’d have to live life without her. Life ceases to exist without the sun and I’m having an impossible time without mine. Learning to navigate this changed world is incredibly difficult; the finalization of death. There are nights when the tears won’t end. I no longer listen to the radio or watch television for the fear that something will remind me of her. I have to push myself to speak to my friends, do anything outside the house for myself, and celebrate the holidays. And I’m sorry for the times you see me crying in the kitchen – I just hate that you’ll never get the opportunity to be in your Aunts wedding or to hear her beautiful voice at Christmas time.

But you, my love, are a light and I need you to know that during this time of heavy darkness, you will forever be my saving spark, my energy source, and the illumination that keeps me going. I pray that God will carry us through this time of heartache and that Shani is resting in paradise with our Heavenly Father.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

I love you, Ashani Leigh Pompey and I’ll never stop. It sucks that we can’t make any new memories together but I know that one day, I’ll get to see you face to face and tell you all about this crazy, beautiful life. On the other side, my baby sis, my sunshine.

Baby

Big Sister

by motheringmillie1 Comment on Big Sister
Big Sister

I only know myself as a big sister; I don’t remember being an only child for the first two years of my life. I am a big sister to, two awesome people who I will always see as, kids. I cherish the memories of helping my brother get ready for school in the morning and talking through the bunk beds with my sister at night. Running to the car we’d yell, “shotgun!” to see who was going to sit in the front seat. I remember sticking up for my siblings at school; I about pounded a kid for calling my sister fat and I wasn’t very nice to the bully taking my brothers lunch either. My sister would keep my secrets and my brother could always make me laugh. I am proud of my siblings and I am grateful to be their big sister.

I always knew that I wanted to have a basketball team amount of kids, if the Lord would allow. The preeclampsia that I experienced with Millie scared me of the birthing process but never out of wanting to expand our family. To allow my body time to recover, my OB asked for me to give myself two years before getting pregnant again but when Millie was 20 months old, we found out we were expecting. I was still breastfeeding Mill and continued until she was 22 months old, when I entered my second trimester of pregnancy. I was instructed to take a calcium supplement as my vegan diet didn’t allow much calcium to go around for myself, a breastfeeding toddler, and a growing fetus. That aside, we were excited that Millie was going to be a big sister come March!

The first person I told after seeing the positive pregnancy test was my little sister. We had been talking about how I felt fatigued and she encouraged me to take a test. She was at work when I called to tell her the news and she startled everyone in her office by screaming in excitement. From the very beginning of this pregnancy, things were different than my first. The pink result on the pee stick was much more prominent this time around. I was pleasantly surprised that this pregnancy didn’t come with the hyperemesis gravidarum that I experienced with Mill. Due to all the puking during my first pregnancy, I had to miss my sisters college graduation, hospitalized with dehydration. This time around, I was pregnant but also was able keep up with an energetic toddler. We had a gender reveal with our family where we cut into a cake that spilled out blue candy – no surprise that this pregnancy was different, we are having a baby boy.

Millie is a little mommy; she loves babies. At Zumbini, she would rather spend time putting her face in baby carriers of the siblings of her classmates than dance and play instruments. Millie will give her baby dolls stroller rides, she feeds them bottles, and she puts them to sleep by covering them up and kissing them on the head. Anything small is a baby to her. I love her caring nature. There was never a doubt in my mind – she would be an awesome big sister.

I do not think Millie understands that there will be a new baby in our house come March. She is aware that there is a baby in my stomach and that we are preparing our home for his arrival however, how can a two year old comprehend a new life? I still am in awe of the miracle that is a new baby. So here I am, enjoying my time as a one child mama for a little while longer. I will never forget Millies time as my only child however, she will. She’ll forever know herself, like me, as a big sister.

toddler

Toddler Fracture

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Toddler Fracture

“Does your grandmother always use the restroom in the afternoon?” What kind of question is that? On that particular Tuesday, while my grandmother was taking care of business, Millie slid on a book and fractured her tibia. There was no swelling, redness, or bruising however, she refused to put any weight on her left foot. I could touch her foot and she could move it, so I knew nothing was broken. I had no idea the process that is healing a toddler fracture.

After two rounds of X-rays, neither of which I could be in the room for because I was pregnant and Mill cried for me the entire time while I waited outside the door and my heart broke into a million pieces, the doctor didn’t seeing anything unusual. The doc explained to us that because of her age, her bones would show healing calcification clearer than it would an initial injury.

It had been eight hours since Mill put any weight on her left foot and she could communicate very clearly which foot had the, “boo-boo”. The doctor wanted her in a full leg splint for one week. She explained to us that Millie could not get the splint wet, walk, or take it off. The doctor referred us to an orthopedic specialist that would retake xrays after she’d been in the splint for a week and would re-evaluate from there; hard cast or boot. I was upset for her because trick-or-treat was one week away and her second birthday was the week after.

Mill was miserable in the splint; longest week ever. She couldn’t walk around or play. She couldn’t sleep in her own bed for fear that she would wake up and stand on the splint. She loves taking baths but those were out of the question. I caught her pulling out the cotton underneath the ace wrapping so we had to cover the splint with her dads sock. The splint made her foot so large that she didn’t fit well into her swing, highchairs, or shopping carts.

One week later, I was so relieved to find out that Millie would be given a boot and not a cast. The orthopedic doctor took an X-ray of his own and saw a tibia fracture above her ankle. Thankfully, the doctor referred to the fracture as, “stable” which meant it was unlikely for it to get worse. By staying off of it, she would heal quickly. The boot was clunky but she would eventually learn to walk with it for the duration of her healing. We were able to remove the boot for bath time and outfit changes. The boot was a part of our fall festivities but was able to be taken off just four weeks after the incident. We met with her pediatrician, who gave us his blessing to remove the boot, and he put her on a calcium supplement due to our vegan diet, just to make sure that she is getting enough calcium for her bone development. Once the boot came off, she walked differently for about a week – like her left foot was still booted.

Needless to say, my grandma hasn’t used the restroom since.

toddler

Sweet Summer Time

by motheringmillie1 Comment on Sweet Summer Time
Sweet Summer Time

“PSA to parents – you only have 18 summers with your children, so make them count.”

Talk about pressure.

I don’t know where I heard that quote but it has definitely stuck with me. I love that I can spend fourteen weeks of summer with Millie but here we are, two summers deep and I already can’t remember what we did during our first summer together! Thankfully, this blog helps to jog my muffled, mommy memory. Leaving Mill every weekday is rough. I love teaching music and the start of a new school year is always exciting but I miss our snuggle time in the morning, eating lunch together, and I especially miss taking mid-morning naps. So, here’s a post to commemorate our summer (because God knows I will forget by fall).

Millie’s favorite breakfast was a bowl of multigrain Cheerios with almond milk and a side of fruit, usually strawberries or blueberries. She’s gotten really good at using a spoon! Her go to lunch was veggie chicken nuggets (dipped in ketchup), steamed broccoli, and black olives that capped her fingers before they went into her mouth. She breastfed twice a day; before her afternoon nap and bedtime.

It was impossible trying to keep the living room clean. I’ve heard, “You can have a clean house when the kids grow up and leave the house but once they do, you’ll miss them in your house, messy and all.” and my OCD does not care about that for one second. Every time one mess would get organized, Mill would have two more activities out, while playing with something totally different! Then inevitably, it would be meal time and I’d have to walk away from the mess in the living room, just to make a new one in the kitchen! It was definitely one step forward and two steps back when it came to cleanliness this summer. It was best just to clean everything at night, after we put Mill to bed, so we could start fresh the next morning. BTW- she started sleeping in her own bed, in her own room, and through the night this summer..so there’s a win!

Traveling to Texas and Washington DC were easily some of our most memorable adventures this summer. (You can read all about our Texas vacation in the previous blog post.) We went to the DC Zoo with my mom, step-dad, and sister. We drove about two hours, braved the heat, and saw pandas for the first time! Mill loved them. Her paw-paw Kev got her a panda book and stuffed animal panda bear. She’s gotten pretty good at saying their Chinese names, too! On an episode of Daniel Tigers Neighborhood, (that’s a regular show in our house now) there was a quick clip of an actual panda playing in his enclosure and before they said the bear’s name or even the name of the zoo, I was able to identify both. Needless to say, we got a little “panda crazy” this summer.

“Pool?” Mill’s little voice would ask constantly because she loved being in the water this summer. She rotated between a striped, watermelon bathing suit and a hot pink, pineapple suit. To dry off, she used the cutest, hooded Daniel Tiger towel. We set up a small, blowup pool in our backyard, which ended up being more work then fun; it would only stay clean for a day or two before getting slimy and gross, the hose water was freezing, and the pool killed our grass no matter where, or how much we moved it. Next year, we’ll be getting a sprinkler. Mill loved going to her Gam’s pool while we were in VA; she would play with other kids, go under the sprinklers, and go swimming in the deep end with her Aunt Nani. At Zoombeezi Bay, a waterpark connected to the Columbus Zoo, Millie enjoyed going down the water slides (she was too little for some of the slides and would end up with a face full of water). On two occasions, Mill got to play in splash pads. Although she loved it, I was a nervous wreck with the possibility of her slipping and falling on the wet concrete; thankfully, that never happened. She liked playing in her water table, especially on the day that her dad and I attempted to power wash the house; we all got soaked.

We did another session of Zumbini this summer with an instructor that Mill loves. The class was early on Monday mornings and every week, Millie was excited to get dressed and go. Mill surprised me with her dancing and instrument playing; she can play the triangle with great technique and started to twirl and stand on her toes. Frustrating to me, some mothers would bring their newborns with them to class, which of course distracted Mill because she loves babies. She would want to touch the babes and play with them instead of listening to the instructor. And sometimes the moms would get irritated with Mill wanting to see their baby – hello don’t bring your newborn to a toddler class. My grandma made Mill a scarf like they used in class so she could continue to practice her Zumbini dances at home. This girl loves to dance.

Millie loves people, being outside, and anything loud so we decided to take her to our community’s firework show. Her patriotic outfit was absolutely adorable and her pigtails had sequin bows. She rode in her wagon and waved at children we passed finding the ultimatum viewing spot. Mill and her daddy kicked around a soccer ball while we waited for the sun to go down. Once it got too dark to see the ball, I tried my best to explain to Millie the loud booms the fireworks would make. I showed her a fireworks video so she would know what to expect from the show. During the fireworks display, she bounced between mine and Chris’ laps, completely unafraid. Mill was interested in the fireworks for the first three minutes and then asked for baby videos; she loves babies.

We found out in July that we will be having a baby, expected in March! Good thing Mill has taken such a liking to them. Next summer will be different but I’m sure just as memorable.

Baby, travel

Memories of Millie in TX

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Memories of Millie in TX

“The stars at night, are big and bright (clap, clap, clap, clap) deep in the heart of Texas!”

My little family was invited to my friend Amber’s cruise ship wedding, ported in Galveston, Texas. I love weddings and I had never been to Texas so I was eager to propose this trip to my husband, Chris. Unfortunately, I cannot stomach cruises. “Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat, baby!” (My thinking is being interrupted with musical interludes; bear with me.) I have been on a cruise once before. It was a five-day, Carnival cruise that sailed from Florida to the Bahamas. I was green the entire time, even when taking motion sickness medicine, and bedridden for two days because of the nausea. It was safe to say that there would be no cruising for me but thankfully, the wedding took place while the ship was docked. I called Amber’s travel agent and got to work planning our Texas vacation.

Columbus to Houston:

  • We flew Southwest on a flight with many others attending the wedding including one of my best friends, Shauna. The plane had almost forty unmanned seats so we were able to take Millie’s car seat on board with us, even though we had not purchased her, her own seat (funny what brings me joy in my adulthood). Millie fell asleep and I watched, “How to Train your Dragon 3” (I don’t always adult) using the Southwest app – hooray for free video streaming!

Houston to Galveston:

  • The humidity in Houston was aggressive; I felt sticky from the walk from the plane to the terminal. My ears perked up hearing a string quartet playing live music in the airport lobby. We grabbed our luggage, packed up our bright, blue rent-a-car, and went to Walmart to grab an umbrella stroller to use throughout our trip. (We did not bother bringing both a car seat and a stroller on the plane.) Chris picked a Minnie Mouse stroller for Mill and I found a cute, Texas tank top for six bucks.
  • We stopped at Fuddruckers to eat dinner. There aren’t Fuddruckers restaurants in Ohio so it was neat eating at a restaurant that we never been. There were arcade games and while we waited for our dinner, Chris attempted to win Millie a stuffed animal from the claw machine – he was defeated. There was also a “test your strength” game that measured how tight you could grip two metal rods. Of course, Chris thought it was hilarious when my strength measured, “wimpy”. We ate our veggie burgers and left for the hotel.
  • The roads in Texas are atrocious and I was so thankful that Chris was the one executing them. I felt like we were constantly merging. It didn’t help that some of the roads in Galveston were flooded from a storm the night prior.

Galveston:

  • Our hotel room had a balcony with a beautiful view of the gulf. Seeing the water got us excited to get to the beach, so we packed our towels and left for the boardwalk.
  • There was a strong wind coming off of the water but that didn’t stop us from having a great time. The gulf was warm and the sand was packed down from the high tide. Mill was so light she didn’t leave footprints when she walked. I stood in amazement watching Millie brave the water. Looking out into vast ocean didn’t phase her; she ran to it.
  • The next day, as I was taking pictures at my friend’s wedding, Chris watched Millie and they ate free food (the staff didn’t know that we weren’t cruising). It was hilarious when Millie started a babbling argument with the cocktail waiter when he didn’t hand her an alcoholic beverage at the reception. The wedding was absolutely beautiful.

Houston:

  • After the wedding, we met up with my friend, Alicia, at the Kennedy Space Center. We were impressed with the amount of exhibits with interactive learning. Millie loved exploring the space center. We bought Millie an astronaut doll and named her, Sally Ride. Strong women raise strong women.
  • Best tex-mex in the world, PapaCito’s Cantina. Fact. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. Our waiter, J-rod, was amazing; he brought us free food to try because it was our first time eating there and he gave Millie a ball of dough to play with while we waited for our meal. The food was beyond delicious; Chris had fajitas and I ate nachos – the flavor was out of this world! I wish a PapaCito’s Cantina would open near us.

Waco:

  • Shoutout to the Fairfield Inn and Suites for having veggie sausage in their continental breakfast buffet. Us vegans were extremely appreciative.
  • Chip and Joanna Gaines definitely put this city on their back. The hotel receptionist said that the Silo District brought Waco back to life. We spent three hours at the silos; eating cupcakes (Oh. My. Gosh. Yum.) shopping at Magnolia, drinking sweet tea from a mason jar, and playing in the garden with Mill – she had to smell every flower and whisper, “ahhh” in admiration.
  • Waco has a National Park with preserved mammoth remains. A park ranger walked us through the excavation site and apparently Millie already knew everything because she would interrupt the ranger to address the group with her baby babbles and hand gestures.
  • We stopped at Magnolia’s, Little Shop on Bosque, the Gaines’ original home decor store, to pick up a new shirt for Millie after she spilled the sweet tea down the front of her. The store was so small – I’m sure it must be humbling for them to see how it all started. The shop currently sells discounted items so we were able to get her a nice, linen shirt for cheap.
  • If you are wanting to shop in Waco, look no further than, The Spice Rack. This building houses hundreds of vendors selling the cutest stuff. I was able to pick up Millie two new pairs of Burt’s Bees pjs for less than $10 a piece. Mill left with a rubber duck wearing a cowboy hat, that we named, Dolly Duckton. “Tumble outta bed and I stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition.” Unfortunately, I took a tumble walking up the stairs to the bathroom…so that was embarrassing; praying that not too many people saw. Good news though, I was not hurt, only my pride.
  • We visited Cameron Park to hike Jacob’s Ladder, the infamous country club climb. It was a steep incline and the steps were uneven stones. I was grateful that Chris carried Millie up because I struggled to keep my balance. The view from the top was just okay which was disappointing after reading such rave reviews and not to mention, the mosquitos were atrocious. I’m sure if we lived in Waco, we would visit this park often because it was spacious, shaded, had picnic tables and play gyms for the kids, hiking trails, etc.
  • Waco has a walking bridge with larger than life, longhorn sculptures to memorialize the cattle trade that took place there. Millie was excited to be able to run around and she was fascinated by a beautiful girl and her sparkly heels, taking her senior pictures. There was a large gap below the railings of the bridge that a toddler could easily tumble through and fall into quick-moving, water. Needless to say, we kept Mill close to us on this adventure.

Fort Worth:

  • Experiencing the Stockyard was like being in an old Western film, sans the bar fights and shoot outs. Mille and I sat on the back of a longhorn (she didn’t care for that) and she went on a pony ride. The man administering the rides told us the horse she rode was named, Lil Sebastian. He later admitted he heard Chris and my conversation about Parks and Rec, and he couldn’t help himself; the pony’s actual name was, Peanut. “He’s 5,000 candles in the wind”.

Dallas:

  • Our COSI membership had reciprocity at the Perot Museum of Nature and Science. Amazingly, there were tons of fossils, not just casts displayed. The gemstone exhibit was beautiful and the children’s area was a lot of fun for Mill. It was designed to look like downtown Dallas and for an out-of-stater, I appreciated the personal touch. At closing time, Millie still wanted to play, so she enjoyed the splash pad at the entrance of the museum. She was soaked but wasn’t cold- Texas is so hot.
  • We spent our final evening swimming in the hotel pool (we saw a woman’s boob completely out of her swimsuit), watching a Cubs baseball game on tv, and ordering sushi for dinner that we ate in bed.

Our trip to Texas was another grand adventure for my little family. I’m so grateful for the memories we made and the moments I won’t soon forget.

Baby, disney

Millie Met Mickey

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Millie Met Mickey

Fair warning, this is an elongated blogpost about an an affluent, American family taking a Disney vacation. I am definitely not a “Mouseketeer”. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Disney movies and their musical scores. It’s just so commercialized; Disney is everywhere. Name a children’s movie that isn’t Disney. I don’t dress Millie in Disney clothes because I think its tacky when children wear characters on their clothing. As a child, I liked the princesses but I loved Max Goof (bizarre character to be fascinated with, I know) Max was actually with me through my labor (see previous blog post, “laboring love” for more details). I went on two family vacations to Disney World under the age of five and I don’t remember them, sorry mom. When I was in high school, I skipped on the opportunity to go to Disney World with my marching band. Recently, my in-laws mentioned wanting to take Millie on a vacation to Disney World with the full princess experience; the gown, makeover, sash, carriage ride, etc. ($$$) Call me selfish, but I wanted the first time that I would remember experiencing Disney to be with my little family; my husband, Millie, and me.

With the help of our travel agent and the advice of friends, I planned a spring break trip to Disney World. I surprised my husband with the trip on Christmas morning. Initially, he was not thrilled about the gift of the vacation because he assumed an astronomical price tag however, I informed him of the details and as the trip drew near, he became more excited. I created a Disney trip countdown as a visual aid for Millie comprised of construction paper links, to look like Mickey and Minnie. Each day we removed a link from the chain and March came quickly. (Time moves so much faster with a child).

6am flights are the absolute worst. We did not originally have such an early flight however, the plane we were scheduled for was grounded due to numerous deadly crashes using that same model aircraft (I’m grateful for the switch). We arrived at the airport at 4am, eager to leave the 38 degree, Ohio weather. On the plane, Millie could be a lap-rider because of her age. We had to show the airlines a copy of her birth certificate; we took her original birth certificate without knowing we could bring a copy. Apparently, the airlines would have even accepted a picture of her birth certificate on my phone. (Praise God nothing happened to her original.) Not buying Millie a plane ticket saved us over two-hundred dollars. I was able to book direct flights to Orlando, which was a two hour trip. I wish I would have known that I could have kept Millie in her Ergo-carrier throughout the security and boarding process because having both of my hands free would’ve made things a lot easier. The flight went well and Millie was great on the plane. She was so excited when we landed in Florida and saw pictures of Mickey Mouse everywhere.

Millie loves dogs so I decided the Dalmatian wing of Disney’s All Star Movie resort would be the perfect place for us to stay. The price of this resort was more reasonable than I expected and by staying at Disney, transportation was taken care of to and from the park, as well as back and forth from Disney Springs, and the airport. The shuttle transportation system allowed us to not have to lug Millie’s car seat around. We did however, bring her stroller from home along with us; it did not cost extra money for the stroller to be stowed during our flights and the park had ample stroller parking. I was later informed that the stroller policy at Disney World would be changing soon so if you’re planning a trip with little ones, check that out.

Our vacation commenced by eating Mickey waffles from the resort food court, which were equal parts adorable and delicious. Millie thought the waffles were funny and chose to not eat Mickey’s face. Before we were able to check into our room, we participated in our first family activity; the splash pad at the resort. It was almost 80 degrees in Orlando with little cloud coverage and the occasional breeze. Millie did not want to have to wait to have her sunscreen applied. Advice for parents of a toddler: put the spf on their little bodies before they see the water. Millie had so much fun splashing and dunking her head under. We had the splash pad all to ourselves and it was a blast. The trip was worth the money the moment we saw the joy exude from Millie, playing in the water.

Mill fell asleep on my lap as we soaked up some sun on the beach chairs. We were watching the palm trees sway when the Disney app notified us that our hotel room was available. As we walked by the many Dalmatian puppies in our wing of the resort, Millie would bark and wave. We were pleased to find our room was on the first floor. The room was comfortable; two full beds, a mini fridge, working air conditioning, and Disney decor. Unfortunately, the walls were extremely thin and we could hear every word that our neighbors said (although we couldn’t understand it because they spoke Spanish). I asked the Lord to grant me grace because their screaming baby almost woke my sleeping baby at 2am.

Our first evening in Orlando was spent at Disney Springs however, we found it underwhelming. It was comprised of highend, Disney boutiques and sit down restaurants. We ate delicious, coconut sorbet and returned to the resort.

The next morning, we excitedly boarded the shuttle to Magic Kingdom but on the way to the park, it started to down pour. We had not prepared for rain so we made the decision to ride the shuttle back to the resort and wait out the storm. We ate brunch at the resort and were pleased with the quality of the veggie burger. Once the rain had stopped, we boarded the shuttle to Magic Kingdom for the second time that morning. I was disappointed in the security process because I had to leave Millie in her stroller, unattended, to go through the detectors on my own, as instructed. I was never more than six steps away from her however, Disney is terribly crowded and for a first-time mama with anxiety, I wasn’t having it. Luckily, my husband stayed with her while I went through the metal detector and pushed her over to me once I was through and then he went through himself. What if I was a single mom and didn’t have anyone to stand with her while I went through the metal detector? I expressed my concerns to the security guard who was more concerned with the growing line than my frustrations.

Entering Magic Kingdom was like going through a time warp set back 120 years; the buildings were colonial style, women were dancing with white gloves and parasails, and a barber shop quartet, dressed in stripes of red and white, harmonized in front of a deliciously fragrant candy shop. Main Street had a quaint, small-town feel with shops adorning each side of the road. To our right, we noted a “Meet Mickey and Minnie” sign, which was where we needed to be to utilize a fast pass we scheduled for later. A man asked me to take a picture of his family and for the first time that day, I saw Cinderella’s magical castle. I took a picture of his family and he took a picture of ours.

Large, decorative floats with dancing and singing Disney characters paraded down Main Street. We followed behind a float carrying a dancing, Max Goof until we made it to the Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse statute. Millie was apprehensive about viewing the parade as she buried her head into my shoulder for most of it. My husband recorded the parade on his phone and even though Millie might not have enjoyed the parade then, she loves watching it now.

Similar in ride concept, I chose to fast pass the Aladdin’s Magic Carpet Ride and Dumbo the Flying Elephant. These rides did not have height requirements, they were categorized as, “slow moving”, we would be able to sit as a family, and they had great reviews for children under two. Millie sat on my lap on the inside seat of the ride car. My husband took control of the car’s height lever which would raise and lower us upon his discretion. Millie was hysterical because she kept a straight face the entire time we rode both rides. I couldn’t tell you if she loved them however, I don’t think she disliked them because she absolutely knows how to show discontent.

We stopped in our tracks upon hearing a screaming trumpet from the Main Street Philharmonic. This small ensemble sounded fantastic and played everything from old circus marches to modern pop. If you are planning a trip to Magic Kingdom, you need to make time in your schedule to listen to this group play good music for fifteen minutes. Another worthwhile venture is finding a stand that sells Mickey pretzels – delicious!

Millie had the opportunity to meet Mickey and Minnie in a small, poorly lit room. The characters were wearing “party” clothes to celebrate Mickey Mouse’s 90th Anniversary. I held Millie on my hip during our wait but upon locking eyes with the large, plastic Mickey head, she wiggled up my body and hid her face in my neck. The characters tried their best to get Millie to smile; Mickey played peek-a-boo with her and danced when I sang the, “Hotdog” song. My husband took a video of this event and again, Millie treasures it even though she wasn’t quite ready to enjoy the actual moment.

Millie’s fear of costumed characters didn’t stop at Mickey Mouse; Daisy Duck had no luck making Millie smile nor did Pluto. They were set in a gypsy theme, which I found unsettling. After taking pictures of Millie looking absolutely horrified, Disney tried to pull a fast one by putting the exit through a souvenir shop. Naturally, Millie was intrigued and wanted everything she could get her hands on. Miraculously, we left the gift shop/exit empty handed. The princesses however, were not as scary to Millie. It could have been because even in costume, they look like actual people. She met Cinderella, who looked like a sloth, and Elena of Avalor, who? While Millie might not have been scared of them, she definitely had no interest in seeing them.

We spent an hours time on Tom Sawyer’s Island. A short raft ride takes you to the island, which was unnecessary. The bumps while docking the raft were abrupt and a walking bridge for the short distance would have been suffice. Once on the island, Millie really enjoyed being able to walk the trails. The terrain was not ideal for a sixteen-month old, so she reluctantly held our hands through most of it. I held Millie while crossing a bridge of barrels that bobbed up and down with each step. There was a small play ground that Millie played on that was overruled by older kids.

I was concerned how nap-time would work while adventuring in the park, but Millie was exhausted by lunch time and would fall asleep in the stroller. Jungle Navigation Co. Ltd. Skipper Canteen was our favorite lunch spot; the air conditioning was on blast, the staff was great, and the food was delicious – I highly recommend the Shiriki Noodle Salad, yum. Eating vegan while at Magic Kingdom was a breeze with the help of amazing chefs.

The Swiss Family Treehouse was our next adventure. There was not a line for this activity and that was refreshing. I was unfamiliar with the story of the Swiss Family Robinson’s however, my husband filled me in as we ventured along. The treehouse had bridges, ramps, and stairs which were fun for Millie to navigate through. I held her hand through most of it because her balance was still wobbly.

I used the My Disney App, week’s before our vacation, to make food reservations at the park. On our first night at Magic Kingdom, we ate dinner at The Crystal Palace, which is a buffet-style restaurant with mingling characters from Winnie the Pooh. Millie hit Piglet in the face, twice, wanted nothing to do with Eeyore, and was scared to death of Tigger. The food was great but not worth the bill. The next morning we ate breakfast at Belle’s Be Our Guest Cafe, which is where I was told was the only place that you could see Belle and the Beast. Unfortunately, neither showed up during our breakfast. We had a terrible time in the line; a staff member told us to return closer to the end of our reservation time yet, while trying to talk us out of the line, four other families got in line before us. The computers were down and they weren’t accepting Magic bands as a form of payment. The food was subpar but that was to be expected from a French menu. The aesthetic of the dining hall was spectacular. It looked just like the ballroom from Beauty and the Beast.

Mickey’s Philharmagic was an interactive, 3D mini-film. I guess you could call this Millie’s first theatre experience and I was surprised when Millie kept her 3D glasses on the entire time. She laughed when Donald Duck came on the screen (she adores him) and when things would come flying at us, she would reach out to try to touch it. Her reactions to the film were the best part.

My travel agent, friends, and colleagues all advised me to not use a fastpass on, It’s a Small World because the line was never long. We chose not to fastpass that ride, but we totally should have because the line was forever long. Due to our terrible line experience at the Be Our Guest Cafe, the staff gave us an additional Fastpass to use that day in the park. After seeing the line for Its a Small World, we updated our magic bands and skipped the longest line that we had seen at the park. We rode in the first car that had plenty of leg room and a bar that Millie stood up and held. She was rocking the boat trying to get the ride to move faster. She loved the singing and the scenery; I thought the dolls were super creepy.

We rode the infamous Teacups – I felt sick as a dog. Mill sat in my lap. My husband spun with one hand and was recording Millie with the other. She proceeded to have the most serious look on her face as we spun around and around. When she realized that the wheel in the middle of the teacup was controlling the spin, she tried to turn it herself. I think if the ride would’ve been twice as long, she would’ve enjoyed it more but boy, I sure was ready to get off!

The shuttle ride back to the resort was amusing as we sat next to an animated, little girl with a blue, Stitch stuffed animal. Millie had acquired a Lilo doll from one of the gift shops outside of the princess meet and greet (she wouldn’t put it down). The two girls played with their dolls together, Lilo and Stitch.

I know I’m forgetting so many details like, Millie and her daddy howling before bed, Millie sitting on Walt’s lap our first evening in the park, the nursing mother’s room that was busting at the seams, the sound of Millie’s feet as she walked with such purpose through the automatic doors to get to the pool..our vacation was amazing. Millie won’t remember it, but with the pictures, videos, and this blogpost I hope she will know how much fun we had – fun that would not have existed without her.

Until next time, Disney.

Baby

Makeup and Millie

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Makeup and Millie

I have vivid memories of watching my mom put her makeup on in the bathroom mirror. Sometimes she’d ask me to brush her long, dark hair and add a polishing cream to the ends to make the stray hairs lay down flat. I remember being envious of how beautiful she looked and wondering if I’d ever grow up to be that pretty. “Maybe when I’m 27”, I’d think.

Before I was allowed to wear makeup out of the house, my mom insisted on teaching me how to properly apply my foundation, powder, blush, eyeshadow, eyeliner, and mascara. When I’d wear too much eyeliner or dark eyeshadow, per my mother, she’d take my makeup away until I was ready to wear it correctly. If I was grounded from wearing makeup, I’d borrow my friend’s eyeliner and apply it in a car mirror on my way to school; totally gross, but middle-school-me didn’t care. Reflecting on those years, I am grateful that I had a mother who invested time into me; I know that not all children get to experience that.

This year, I’ll turn 27, and one of the best compliments I receive is how much I favor my mother. After a much needed, adults only, double date, my reluctant husband accompanied me to Ulta for an, “in and out, I know exactly what I’m getting” shopping trip. $80 later, I was a happy girl and my husband, will never step in that store again. I picked up two new hair products, an eyebrow pencil, two new makeup brushes, a lip moisturizer, a beauty blender, and new foundation. I couldn’t wait to use my new goodies!

My mother taught me to smile when applying blush to my cheek bones. I was to pull the blush across my cheek, at an upwards angle, to the side of my face. She was teaching me to contour, bless her! I still use my moms makeup methods today and Millie now watches me in the bathroom mirror. Somehow, my sweet angel must have gotten very confused because she used mommy’s new blush brush to scrub the toilet. My husband saw her first, took the brush from her, and he found it hysterical; “that’s one way to use it!” Blush brush = toilet scrubber.

The next day, while I was curling my hair, Millie decided to paint the bathroom cabinets. (She found a dry paint brush and it kept her occupied.) I was singing and she was babbling. I finished my hair, looked down to compliment Mills work, and to my surprise there were brown drawings on my white, vanity doors. At some point, Millie dropped the paint brush, found my new eyebrow pencil, and went to town! My husband found that funny, too.

Millie’s “innovative” ways of using makeup has surpassed anything that I could’ve thought of. The drawings have yet to be erased. Cheers to 27, makeup, and daughters.

Baby

Turd in the Tub

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Turd in the Tub

Millie has always enjoyed the bath. I will never forget balancing her on my left forearm while bathing her in my kitchen sink. When she first learned to splash, she’d get water in her face, blink, and gasp; inevitably I’d get soaked. She would try to grab the water coming out of the faucet with her clumsy, little hands. I still love to rub oil on her clean, baby body when she’s fresh out of the tub. And how adorable are baby towels with the hoods?

This summer, Millie loved swimming in the pool; she would relax in her floaty, letting the water move her around. We swam in three different pools this season and each got Mill’s approval. When Millie was six months old, My grandma, Mill and I traveled to VA to visit my sister, who lives on the beach – I’m so jealous of her daily view – and Millie loved the ocean; she would yell at the waves when they would ripple away.

Millie takes a shower with me every Saturday morning. She clings to me while the water hits us. I spray shaving cream on the wall for her to play with. She doesn’t mind when the water hits her face and it’s probably because she dumps water on her face, daily. When Millie attempts to drink from a cup, she tips it back too quickly and the water splashes out and spills everywhere – she doesn’t seem to mind getting wet.

I read in, What to Expect When You’re Expecting: 1-2 years, that babies can start to revolt against the bath around 15 months. I shrugged it off considering how much Millie enjoys the bath – my karma. The next evening, after a delicious (but messy) taco dinner, Millie needed a bath. I undressed her, set her down in the tub, and she started to cry, real tears. I checked the temperature of the water; fine. I checked to see if she was sitting on anything uncomfortable; nope. I began singing to calm her down; didn’t help. I gave her, her waterbaby to play with; she pushed it away. I quickly washed the black beans off of her arms and face and took her out of the tub. As soon as I lifted her from the bath, the tears ceased.

I feared that the tub was now a time of terror and unfortunately, the next time a bath was necessary, cue the waterworks. I was determined to not let bath time turn into a habitual melt down, so I stripped down to my undergarments and joined my daughter in the tub. I poured water on myself and said positive things about the tub with a smile on my face, trying hard not to think about the baby pee that I might have been sitting in; and it worked! She stopped crying and began splashing and kicking her legs under the water. I felt victorious having navigated my daughter through a developmental hurdle.

That feeling soon changed when I saw a stream of bubbles floating up from Millie’s backside. I turned my attention to her face and she was turning a shade of red; pushing. As I lifted her from the water, attempting to sit her over the toilet, a turd accompanied us in the tub, corn kernels and all. A turd. In all its glory. A floater in the tub. The What to Expect When You’re Expecting book did not properly prepare me for bath time trauma we endured!

Baby

Why the Bonnet?

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Why the Bonnet?

“Stop making her look Amish.”

Chris and I changed many aspects of our lives when we found out that we were expecting; we censored our language, started using laundry detergent with cleaner ingredients, we re-carpeted our second floor, we stopped drinking alcohol, etc. We both agreed that we wanted to raise Millie differently than the loud, flashy, plastic, commercialized, technology-promoting, societal-norm.

I envisioned raising Millie holistically; knit clothes and wooden toys, piano lessons and singing together, oils, nature walks, rocking chairs, home cooked meals with fresh ingredients, speaking to each other around the dinner table, and church on Sunday morning. I understand that we may not be able to live this way 24/7, but striving for a simpler life was my prerogative. Texting my children that dinner is ready, eating McDonalds on T.V. trays while watching Pat Sajak on The Price is Right, is not my ideal family environment. For some families, I just described their quality, family-time and that’s cool for them, it’s just not the “goal” environment for us.

I first put Millie in bonnets when we began taking her outside of the home; she was around 3 months old and bald. Not only are bonnets nostalgic and darling, but they also help to protect from the wind, rain, and sun. In early March, I was worried that Millie would catch a chill if her head wasn’t covered, so she wore a bonnet. In the aggressive July sun, I didn’t want her fair skin getting burned so she wore a light weight, brimmed-bonnet to shade her face.

The bonnets she wears fit snug on her head, so they stay in place, and she keeps them on all day. Millie has knitted, brimmed, cotton, linen, embroidered, and reversible bonnets. Just as I change my accessories upon my outfit, she has different bonnet options. Her bonnets are nothing like the plain, white bonnets that Amish children wear. Millie’s bonnets have beautiful patterns.

We have received many compliments on her bonnets; at church, at the doctors office, exploring around Cleveland, etc. Once, a lady told me, “I love when babies wear bonnets, it makes them look like such, babies”. Isn’t that funny? Why are we so quick to dress our babies like adults, give them tablets, and sit them in front of a screen for hours at a time? I digress.

When Millie is older and can vocalize her wants more, maybe she will choose to not wear bonnets. Until then, Millie will keep wearing bonnets and I will continue nurturing and protecting my bonnet-wearing, babe.

Baby

Locks of Millie

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Locks of Millie

How is it possible to take such pride in a strand of hair?

White, moving follicles I observed from your ultrasound.

Hair that I washed while holding your body effortlessly in one arm.

Counting the strands you lost during your first nights sleep.

Covering, protecting.

Longer it grows; you are beginning to take steps on your own.

Growing thicker from the nutrition you continue to receive from my body.

Independently combing your hair by running a tooth brush behind your ear.

Your hair. Different than mine.

I cherish the smell of you through your hair.